Energetic

I am having all of these waves of sexual energy the last few days. I am not sure where they are coming from either. But I get this sense that I need to have sex right away. Then I get all of these fantasies running through my head. I even considered putting up an ad online for a girlfriend again. Not sure if I will be doing that. But I did find online these cute little boy shorts, underwear, that say " Shut up and Lick". I wanted to buy them and my husband liked that idea. But I have no money at the moment. But I think I will be getting them soon.

And I woke up with heartburn this morning so I started drinking a soda, which usually helps. The downside of that is the caffeine. I get really wired and so of course my mind and my hands are moving a mile a minute. I don't really like this feeling which is why I don't normally drink soda. But it feels a lot better than heartburn.

Anyway I guess that is about it, since I can't seem to keep my mind on one thing. Maybe I will be able to post something more coherent later.

See you in the moonlight.

Dreams

Well I have been having a lot of dreams lately that I actually remember. Most of the time I don't. I wake up refreshed and everything is just a blur from the night. But for some reason I have been having weird dreams that don't seem to relate to anything that happened during the day. But who knows.

The night before last I had a weird dream where I was in my "parents" house. I put that in quotes because it wasn't really there house they have in real life. It was just that way in the dream. There was some kind of party going on. Like it was a family get together. But none of these people were acutally in my family in real life either. And it was a barbecue. It was raining a lot of the time. And for some reason, Matthew Perry, Chandler from Friends, was there. Now I have always thought he was really hot. So of course I gravitated to him in the dream. We hooked up and had sex and were making out. But then I would wake up. I would go to the bathroom or roll over and the dream would start again. And the next time we were having sex on the floor in the living room. And everyone is asleep. Then I would wake up again. And when I would go back to sleep Matthew and I were having sex in the pool with everyone around and they are swimming and everything. Then I would wake up again. And then back to the dream and this time we were having sex in the pool again, but it was raining and we were the only ones in it.

Like I said weird. But I did wake up in a good mood. I did have a lot of sex in the dream. And like I said I thought he was hot.

Then last night I had a dream that my husband is trying to kill me. It is a lot like the Soprano's. They are actually in the dream. But at the beginning my husban and I are like in college and staying in apartments next to each other because he moved out. Then I move out of that place because I am afraid of him. And as I am packing my car he comes out and shoots me in the head. But I don't die. I am able to get away. Then he thinks I am dead and I try to come back without him recognizing me. I had to go back and get my 2 kids, a boy and a girl. For a while he doesn't reconginze me. We are hanging out all the time and he doesn't realize it is me. Then we are all watching tv with the Soprano's, and I see this look in his eye, like he knows who I am , but isn't sure. I rush to the bathroom to get away. I am trying to figure out a way to get to the kids and get them out. But I don't and my husband breaks down the door and knows its me and kills me in front of my kids.

So this time I woke up feeling a little less in a good mood.

Oh well.

See you in the moonlight.

I am getting pretty annoyed. My husband and I have been fighting for days now. It seems like weeks. It might be. I am not sure. A lot of them are nit picky fights. But this latest one is ridiculous to me. Especially since I feel like I should be the one that is mad and trying to get over it. But let me tell you the story.

The other night, I think it was Friday, my husband wanted to go out dancing. Fine, no problem. But I warned him not to drink. He has a problem. Especially since he is bipolar and isn't supposed to be drinking or drinking with his meds. It really screws him up. Anyway I ended up staying up late. I usually do. I was on the internet and started surfing the porn sections I happen to have on this website. Obviously I was in the mood for sex. I really wanted a woman. I always do. But I will make do with the computer when I have to. Although most of the time I just have to use my imagination.

Anyway my husband comes home a little early. It is like 1:30. I get off of the computer and see him at the door. I ask him if he got bored and he said kind of . I ask him if he has been drinking and he says no. I said thats good because I am in the mood for sex, but I don't want to if you have been drinking. He says no again and then says for me to go get ready. I had been wearing just a tshirt and pyjama pants.

Now the drinking thing is a big deal for me. My father is an alcoholic and a drug addict. I drank too much when I was a teenager. I had a boyfriend, before my husband, that was an alcoholic. Get the picture. I don't want it in my life.

So anyway we both get ready for sex. He goes downstairs to put on some cologne. I go upstairs to start lighting candles and put on some music. I change into a green silk nightgown. That kind of thing. We get into bed and I ask him to give me a back rub. My neck and shoulders were killing me. Then he flips me over and rubs my chest. I love it. He tells me this fantastic story of me getting together with one of the women from the burlesque show. We are having a good time and we are having sex. He leans in to kiss me and now I can smell the alcohol. I complain that he lied to me and that I wouldn't have had sex otherwise. But I am so close to cumming that I don't want to stop just yet. So I cum. Then I tell him to get off of me and that we need to talk. He lied to me and that isn't cool. I didn't want to have sex with him if he had been drinking. He gets pissed off and says this isn't love. He takes his clothes and storms out and sleeps in the basement. He tells me that he is going to stop talking to me and that I will never have sex with him again.

I am a little angry. But not as much as he is. I wanted to talk about things and possibly even let him finish. But he didn't want to hear it.

So here it is days later and we are still playing these little games. I keep trying to get over it. I wake up and I am fine. He goes to work and I am fine. He comes home and he still hates me. He refuses to talk about it civily. He just keeps not talking to me unless it is a snide remark about whatever. I DO NOT LIKE BEING TREATED THIS WAY!!! Especially since I should be the one that is angry about him drinking. We have had this discussion many times over the last few years.

He even told me to ask my friends to see how fucked up the situation is. That they would tell me that I was being a bitch. So of course I asked them. My girlfriends think I am right. And I understand that he is hurt and angry that I would stop having sex only after I got off, because I was pissed with him. But come on. This isn't the first time we quit in the middle of sex. Of course those times were more about it being painful for me. And there have been times over the years that he got off before me and I couldn't finish. Nothing is perfect.

WTF????!!!

I don't know what to do at this point. I am getting more pissed off each day. I am trying not to. I try to let it go. Then he brings it up again. Or tries to pick a fight. It is possible that he is at the beginning of an episode. But that doesn't give him the right to be an asshole or treat me like dirt.

See you in the moonlight.

Babies on the Brain

I know I shouldn't be feeling like this but for some reason I want another child. I feel a strong pull to have one right now. I am sure it is just because my best friend is pregnant and so is her sister, my sister just had a baby and all of that. I remember how hard it is to have a small baby. And I know that I just got back some of my freedom. I am finally able to go to a movie with the kid. And I don't have to hold him 24/7. But somehow I still want one.

My husband says no, becuase of all of the complications I had with my son. I know I had a lot and it sucked. I had morning sickness the whole time. I lost 20 lbs in the beginning because I couldn't keep any food down. I went into preterm labor at 4 months along. I had gestational diabetes. I continued to be in labor from 6 months along and had to be put on bed rest and drugs to stop the labor. Then I had preeclampsia at the end and had to give birth a month early. Then my son had jaundice and had problems breathing and had to be in an oxygen chamber for the first day of his life in the NICU.

So obviously I understand mentally that there are a lot of risks and it is probably a bad idea. But it doesn't change the feelings I have. I also know that I could adopt or be a Nanny again. Or something. I just didn't think I would get these feelings again. That I would want another one so badly.

This sucks. I just want it to go away and be very happy with the one perfect child I have. My son is wonderful and very sweet.

See you in the moonlight.

Rambling

Well I know it has been forever since I posted. But I think I have decided that this will now be my personal blog that I can pretty much write about anything and be anonymous about it. I do have a few friends that know about this one. But that is about it.

So first thing is that there is going to be a new reality show with Bret Michaels from Poison. (mouth watering and dripping with tongue hanging out of mouth) He is so yummy. I know it is childish. But I fell in love with him when I was a teenager. And he still looks damn good. I only hope to look so good in my 40's .

And of course I have still been having tons of fantasies about women. Sometimes I wonder if I should just become a lesbian. But then I do like to be with men too. I still get all hot and bothered about some men. I guess I can just be picky. Maybe this just happens later in life when you aren't dating anymore and you are in a marriage and still like to look. I don't know. Sometimes I think it is a bad idea that my husband would let me be with a woman if I wanted. But then it hasn't happened in forever so I don't really know what the problem is.

I think I should start trying to find more friends that have more stuff in common with me. I have several very close friends that I just adore, but I don't have any gay friends and I don't have any Pagan friends either. So it makes it very difficult to try to go do something that involves either of those things. Both of which are extremely important to me.

Well I guess that is about it for now. Not a whole lot going on around here right now. I just wanted to check in.

See you in the moonlight.