One of my favorite quotes is " Become the change you wish to see in the world" by Ghandi. So of course that would mean that I need to start with myself. I need to change the things about me and my lifestyle that I wish to see changed in the world.
So with this I have been thinking a lot about the men and others in my life. The kind of people that I am constantly attratcting. And if I look deep enough it seems that they almost all have something in common with my mother, father or sister.
But mostly with my father. Some of it good, and some of it bad. I have had issues with my father my whole life. And most people have something like this in their own families. The issues I have long held have been abandonment, lonliness, drugs, alcohol, money,
and other addiction issues. Most of the men that I have had long term relationships with, or at least were in love with have had most if not all of the same kinds of traits as my father. They have all been extremely intelligent, well read, have loads of potential,
addiction problems( drugs, alcohol, smoking), would prefer to make a lot of money with some sort of scam or short term payoff, have dark hair, tall, hazel eyes, love of the outdoors. And I am sure there are many others, I just can't think of all of the similarities at this moment.
And even though I can see these issues from the very beginning of the relationship and know that it is something that I must work on, I still keep these people in my life. I even try to figure out what it is that I am supposed to understand. But I am still
lacking the information that will help me move on from this cycle. I recognize the problem which is only the first step in fixing it. So what am I missing?
I still don't have the best relationship with my father. I have tried in the past. We were very close once. But his addiction to drugs has him in a stupor that makes it difficult to have an intelligent conversation with him. I do still love my dad.
But I know that his problems are his own and I can't fix them. But I also realize that his problems were then passed down to me as well. I am perpetuating the cycle, as much as I don't want to. My son is growing up a lot like I did. With a lot of anger
in our house. With sadness that he can't understand or explain. I so desperately want to make his life better than my own. He deserves that. One good thing that is absent in his life is the addiction problems. At least somewhat. My husband knows he has
a problem with alcohol and doesn't drink anymore because of the way I feel about it. However, I think it will only take a major problem in his life to bring it back. Addiction is so hard to beat. I understand that. But I also know that it is necessary.
So is the way to move away from these types of relationships, to just simply stay away from these people in my life that remind me of my father? And try dating people that are completely different? But will those kinds of relationships work out? I have dated
all kinds of people. And I always fall in love with the ones that are like my father. I know it is a subconcious thing to fix the problems of my past by being with someone like the person that caused the past hurts. I have thought that with the decision to get
divorced from my husband, that I would choose completely different types of people this time around. I have been thinking of the type of person that I thought would make me happy. And I would want someone who has beliefs that are closer to my own with my religion.
I would want someone who is still intelligent and well read with their own interests besides my own. I would want someone who isn't that into sports, since I don't really like them. I would want someone who loves family and wants to spend a lot of time doing family related things.
I would want someone who is into protecting the environment and whose political views are at least very close with my own. I want someone with a very good sense of humor. Of course this have never really been a problem for me to find. All of the men in my life
have been funny or witty or both. Of course I would want someone who is sexually compatible. I would want someone who is open minded and ok with me being bisexual. And yes, even though we are supposed to say that looks don't matter, they do. I don't mean that
a person needs to be a supermodel or anything. But I do need to find you attractive in order to be able to have sex with you for the rest of my life. Now that being said, your personality makes a huge difference. If you are an asshole, it won't matter how
good looking you are, I still won't want to have sex. I want someone who likes art and might even have some artistic ability. I want someone who can be silly, but also knows when it is time to be serious. I want someone who knows how to deal with their
own finances and is good at it. I want someone who knows how to live in the present but also can look forward to the future. I want someone who is free of most addictions ( drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, anything that is destructive). I would like someone
who likes at least some of the music that I listen to. I would like someone who likes to travel and wants to see the world. I want someone who is going to support me in my dreams and I will support them in theirs. I want someone who has dreams and willing to
go after them. I want someone who is good at compromise. Sometimes I could use help in that area. I want someone who thinks that I am the most wonderful woman in the world. Someone who thinks I am sexy and beautiful. Someone who thinks that I am the perfect
compliment to them. I would like to be with someone who would help me to keep the house clean, either because they like to clean or are willing to pay for a maid. I would love to have someone who is romantic. That has been a hard thing for me to find.
I love to get letters, poems, notes, small gifts that have meaning to them. I like to be reminded that I am loved and important in someone else's life. I would definitely want to be with someone who likes to dance. I have always wanted to take dancing lessons
and I want someone who is willing to dance with me. Either to salsa, ballroom, swing dancing or almost any other type that actually has steps to it to learn. I want someone who is open to the idea of adoption for kids. It is one of those things that has always
been important to me and I want it to be important the the one I am with. I want to be with someone who likes cats. At some point I expect to have a cat again in the future. I want to be with someone who believes in magick, miracles or whatever you want to call it.
I want someone who is willing to work through our problems, whether it is with a therapist or just talking through it till we fix it. I am not expecting anyone perfect. I am far from it myself.
I just want to be with someone that I think we will get along more than not. I don't think that is too much to ask. I am sure this is what most people want.
See you in the moonlight.
